Eff Ewe See Kay

Does Jon have a mood OTHER than horny/kinky??? The LAST thing I wanted to hear tonight when I answered the phone was some shit about spanking. Tonight I wanted to hear "it's okay baby, it's gonna be alright. We're gonna make it. We're gonna figure this out. Everything is going to be okay, because I love you and I will make sure everything is okay." Instead, all I heard were kinky things he wanted to do to me. And all I could do was roll my eyes because I'm SO not in the mood. When my depression goes downhill, my libido follows suit.

Talking with Caleb tonight really brought out my depression. We were talking about how being depressed is the best thing for an artist, because that's where our best work comes from. He is feeling depressed but unartistic, so I spent some time talking him through that. He feels better, but I feel worse. I feel more depressed now. That may also be due to the news I received tonight...

You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna go ahead and be depressed. I'm used to this state of mind, and it's productive. So let's take that and run with it. Let's run so far away that no one can find us, creativity. Let's go live in a sandcastle and paint pavilions. Let's fly to the moon and invent a new flavor of cake frosting. Yeah, let's do it. Who fucking cares. No one will miss us. It's not like we'll actually be gone.

(I swear I'm not on drugs, I'm just really fucking depressed and come up with crazy shit when my head isn't working quite right.)

Tonight I wanna cry...

And commence the emo blogging once again...

There's a possibility that he may not be moving here. His dad isn't doing too well. Test results come back on Monday or Tuesday, and if it's something bad, he's not going to move here, he's going to move there to be with his family.

I can't even be mad at him for this. It's a totally legit reason. Family comes first. He needs to be there for his family.

But I want to be mad at him for this. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to smash my car into a tree. I want to hate him, loathe him, despise him, and any other appropriate synonyms. But I can't. Because he's being a good guy.

What am I going to do if he has to move there? I'm just going to assume that he is, because good things don't come to me. Why would something work out for once in my life? That would be completely unrealistic. But what am I going to do? If him being 300 miles away didn't work, him being 700 miles away (or however fucking far away it is) is certainly not going to work. We're gonna have to break up. Wait...we aren't even together. How does that work? I guess you just say goodbye forever. I can't move out there. I have too much here (I say that, yet I really have nothing). I'm uncomfortable with change. With new things. With new people. With new situations.

I think I'm gonna go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Seems appropriate at the moment.

FUCK.

Uncertainties

Once again, here I go with the doubt.

He told me he was going out tonight and getting drunk. He just called me a few minutes ago (11:23) to tell me he was going to bed? At the armory? I don't know, maybe I'm just generally non-trusting, but that doesn't add up for me. It just seems...off. I really hope he's not lying.

I also hope that he's not lying about moving here. Could I get permission to have him badly beaten up if he is lying about that?

I don't know if I'm so cool with being such a cynic. It's good to stop and think about things, but I also don't trust anybody or anything. Which makes me very difficult to deal with...

My boyfriends back, nana nana nana na na...

And he's already in trouble with me. :) I stay awake for phone sex for him, but he can't stay awake for me? Oh, fuck that. I'm not happy with him. But I am happy that I am able to text him in the morning and let him know that I'm pissed.

Glad to have him back, but that sure didn't take long.

The waiting is the hardest part

1am, and I'm still waiting...he said he'd call me today. Well, yesterday, I guess. Technically.

I know he'll call me if he can. I know he would take every opportunity to talk to me that he could get. I'm starting to think that that's out of the question for the night...

Damnit, this makes me feel even moreso like shit about missing his calls last night. I absolutely suck as a girlfriend.

It's a good thing I've kept myself busy today. Tasks that keep my mind busy keep me from missing him as much. It doesn't help when those tasks lead to me finding old pictures of us together, but it keeps me busy at least.

I just want my baby back. I want to sit on skype for hours and talk to him. I want to lock my farmville finds so that only he gets them. I want to hear his voice right before I go to bed. I want to text him in the morning. I want to call him when I am having a bad day. I. WANT. MY. BABY. BACK. (ribs, haha)

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.

DAMNIT!!

I missed his call last night. GRRR!!

I took my computer downstairs to print something out, and left my phone upstairs in my room. I came back fifteen minutes later, and had three missed calls from an unknown number. I'm SURE it was him. I can't believe I was so stupid...I should have thought about it....he would be calling me during that time. If only I had taken my phone with me...

Thank goodness there's only a few more days of this torture. I cried my heart out for about two hours last night, and finally went to bed because I was so upset. I know, it's kinda silly, but I just need him. I need to be able to talk to him, for him to tell me it's going to be okay. Sigh...

He said he would call me tonight, so I plan on keeping my phone on me at all times. I'm not gonna screw up tonight like I did last night.

Whatever.

It's 2-something in the morning. I don't care about being clever or witty.

Today was decent, though. I got to hear from him TWICE! The first time the service sucked so we only got to "how are you" before the call was disconnected. Second time, we got to talk for a few minutes. Which was very nice. When I told him I loved him, he said "I love you more." He hasn't done that...for a very long time. That makes me happy that he said that.

So, I'm just gonna go lay in bed for a little while and play Solitaire on my ipod til I fall asleep. Which is basically what I've done all damn day. Ha. I love having a day off.

It's 5:00 somewhere...

Actually, it's about 6. So I can drink now. It's legit. I would love to drink my face off right now, just because I despise my life.

WHYYYY can't I just call him and cry to him...not being able to cry to him SUCKS hardcore.
Actually...everything sucks. I kinda...don't have a will to live anymore. If I ceased to exist right now, I really think that would be fine. I wouldn't mind. Not that I would anyway, because I'd be dead, but you know what I mean.

Fuck.

Now I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

I got to text him for a few minutes tonight! I may get to hear from him later...maybe. We'll see. I mean, it's already 12:30 am. But I'll keep sitting, waiting, wishing...(And waiting this horrendous storm out. This is a ridiculous amount of wind and rain.)

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

I wish I could call Jon right now and cry to him about my day so that he could tell me it would all be all right.

I wish he was living here in Denver so I could go cuddle with him.

I wish I hadn't run out of wine tonight.

Those are the three main things...genie in a bottle, do I get my three wishes now?

I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so

Since I can't talk to him, or write to him, or anything of the sort, I figure I might as well write imaginary letters...

Dear Jon (isn't that a movie?),

I never wanted to admit this before, but I need you. I didn't want to admit it because I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to need anyone. I wanted to be strong and independant. I knew I wasn't, but I wanted to pretend to be. So that other people would think I was. But the truth is, I'm really not that strong. I really do need you. I literally cannot make it through a day where I don't hear from you. I fall apart. I fall to pieces. I literally cannot handle not having you in my life. I love you. I need you. I miss you. And, I'm hesitating to admit this to anyone other than myself, but I want to be with you. Forever. Because if two days suck this much, I don't want to know what the rest of my life would be like.
Love,
Your Lovebug

I can't believe how you got me, and you love me this way, I can't do it without you, babe

Really. Can't do this without him.

I fell apart TWICE today. Like, full-on breakdowns. I was bawling in the car when I went to pick Lariza up, and then I cried on the way home. Both times were because I didn't have him around to pick up the pieces.

First, my dad started yelling/cussing at me today. I guess I shouldn't have rolled my eyes at him, but he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does. I really needed to talk to Jon, tell him how I was feeling, and tell me "I'm sorry, bug". But no! I don't get to talk to him!

Second, I was just feeling totally and completely worthless by the end of rehearsals tonight. I have a few sore spots emotionally, and every time it comes up it's like ripping the damn scab off and bleeding all over the place. That happened tonight, and resulted in me being very upset and crying a ton on the way home...I would have been better if I could have just called him and cried to him...he's my voice of reason and logic. He would have talked me through it, helped me see the logic, and helped me feel better about myself in the process. BUT NO! I don't get to talk to him! I just get to cry my eyes out and not feel any better! The only thing keeping me from bursting into tears right now is the fact that my mom will get all awkward about it and not be able to comfort me or make me feel better, and I'll end up just pushing her away.

GAH!!! IS IT OVER YET???

HE JUST CALLED

Screw the song lyric titles, this is NEWS, people!

I just got off the phone with him! He had to use someone elses' phone to call me, so we only got to talk for a few minutes. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT JUST TO HEAR HIS VOICE. He said he misses me a lot, that being away from everything makes him realize what he has. :) It was really nice just to hear his voice, to hear him tell me he loves me. Ahhhh. I got my fix. I'm good for a little while. But that fix won't last long, unfortunately.

I'm so glad I was uber busy today, or I wouldn't have been able to make it through. I didn't have time to miss him. Think about him, yes, but not time to miss him. There were so many things I wanted to text to him ("Ahhhhh I just got to use a 900 flash!!" "OMG a girl just peed on the stage!" "I took some amazing photos tonight, I'll post them on Facebook for you to see!" "It's raining so hard here that the streets are flooding!") but then I remembered that he won't get them. :( So sad...BUT I GOT TO HEAR FROM HIM TONIGHT. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. :)

I think I'm gonna sleep well tonight knowing that he's out there thinking of me too. :)

You're still on my lonely mind...

25 hours since I last heard from him. Fuck. I don't know if I can do this.

Baby I will wait for you

I guess I have no other option. No wakeup call this morning. No "good morning beautiful lovebug" in my text inbox. No email from him either.

I'm sure he's fine, right? Yeah. He's fine. He just doesn't have cell service/they took away their phone/he's not allowed to use his phone. One or more of the above.

My day would be so much better right now if I could just hear from him. Right now I'm all stressed out (not because of him) and fried. It would be nice to hear that voice again.

Oh well. Nothing I can do, sadly, except whine about it in blog form. :( sigh...
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It's 3am I must be lonely

It's not quite 3am, but I am lonely. I have a thing for using song quotes in my blogs.

So, what's this blog about? This blog is about my "boyfriend". Yeah, that's in quotation marks because he's an ish-boyfriend. He's an ex, and not officially reinstated, so he's still an ish. I created a blog when we broke up called Formely Lovebug (he used to call me lovebug. Very sad blog), and since we are working on the being together again thing, I am Presently Lovebug.

Currently, he is away doing Advanced Training. He's in the National Guard, and for two weeks a year (along with monthly drills) they go out to the boondocks and train. Last year he was able to call me a few times. They weren't able to have phones, but he kept my phone number in his pocket and he would call me when he was around a phone. He is able to have his phone this year, he just probably doesn't have service. I haven't heard from him in twelve hours...which is why I created this blog. To talk about him/to him, even though he's not here.

I miss him.

Lots.

I wish I felt comfortable going on about him to my girlfriends...but I don't, for various reasons that I don't care to type out at the moment. Maybe later. For now, I am ready for bed. There's no sense in me staying up any longer. The chances of him contacting me at this hour are less than zero. But I will keep my phone on overnight, just in case.

I may just lie here for a while and think about him. I hope that wherever he is, he's doing the same thing.

<3