Eff Ewe See Kay

Does Jon have a mood OTHER than horny/kinky??? The LAST thing I wanted to hear tonight when I answered the phone was some shit about spanking. Tonight I wanted to hear "it's okay baby, it's gonna be alright. We're gonna make it. We're gonna figure this out. Everything is going to be okay, because I love you and I will make sure everything is okay." Instead, all I heard were kinky things he wanted to do to me. And all I could do was roll my eyes because I'm SO not in the mood. When my depression goes downhill, my libido follows suit.

Talking with Caleb tonight really brought out my depression. We were talking about how being depressed is the best thing for an artist, because that's where our best work comes from. He is feeling depressed but unartistic, so I spent some time talking him through that. He feels better, but I feel worse. I feel more depressed now. That may also be due to the news I received tonight...

You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna go ahead and be depressed. I'm used to this state of mind, and it's productive. So let's take that and run with it. Let's run so far away that no one can find us, creativity. Let's go live in a sandcastle and paint pavilions. Let's fly to the moon and invent a new flavor of cake frosting. Yeah, let's do it. Who fucking cares. No one will miss us. It's not like we'll actually be gone.

(I swear I'm not on drugs, I'm just really fucking depressed and come up with crazy shit when my head isn't working quite right.)

Tonight I wanna cry...

And commence the emo blogging once again...

There's a possibility that he may not be moving here. His dad isn't doing too well. Test results come back on Monday or Tuesday, and if it's something bad, he's not going to move here, he's going to move there to be with his family.

I can't even be mad at him for this. It's a totally legit reason. Family comes first. He needs to be there for his family.

But I want to be mad at him for this. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to smash my car into a tree. I want to hate him, loathe him, despise him, and any other appropriate synonyms. But I can't. Because he's being a good guy.

What am I going to do if he has to move there? I'm just going to assume that he is, because good things don't come to me. Why would something work out for once in my life? That would be completely unrealistic. But what am I going to do? If him being 300 miles away didn't work, him being 700 miles away (or however fucking far away it is) is certainly not going to work. We're gonna have to break up. Wait...we aren't even together. How does that work? I guess you just say goodbye forever. I can't move out there. I have too much here (I say that, yet I really have nothing). I'm uncomfortable with change. With new things. With new people. With new situations.

I think I'm gonna go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Seems appropriate at the moment.

FUCK.

Uncertainties

Once again, here I go with the doubt.

He told me he was going out tonight and getting drunk. He just called me a few minutes ago (11:23) to tell me he was going to bed? At the armory? I don't know, maybe I'm just generally non-trusting, but that doesn't add up for me. It just seems...off. I really hope he's not lying.

I also hope that he's not lying about moving here. Could I get permission to have him badly beaten up if he is lying about that?

I don't know if I'm so cool with being such a cynic. It's good to stop and think about things, but I also don't trust anybody or anything. Which makes me very difficult to deal with...

My boyfriends back, nana nana nana na na...

And he's already in trouble with me. :) I stay awake for phone sex for him, but he can't stay awake for me? Oh, fuck that. I'm not happy with him. But I am happy that I am able to text him in the morning and let him know that I'm pissed.

Glad to have him back, but that sure didn't take long.

The waiting is the hardest part

1am, and I'm still waiting...he said he'd call me today. Well, yesterday, I guess. Technically.

I know he'll call me if he can. I know he would take every opportunity to talk to me that he could get. I'm starting to think that that's out of the question for the night...

Damnit, this makes me feel even moreso like shit about missing his calls last night. I absolutely suck as a girlfriend.

It's a good thing I've kept myself busy today. Tasks that keep my mind busy keep me from missing him as much. It doesn't help when those tasks lead to me finding old pictures of us together, but it keeps me busy at least.

I just want my baby back. I want to sit on skype for hours and talk to him. I want to lock my farmville finds so that only he gets them. I want to hear his voice right before I go to bed. I want to text him in the morning. I want to call him when I am having a bad day. I. WANT. MY. BABY. BACK. (ribs, haha)

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.

DAMNIT!!

I missed his call last night. GRRR!!

I took my computer downstairs to print something out, and left my phone upstairs in my room. I came back fifteen minutes later, and had three missed calls from an unknown number. I'm SURE it was him. I can't believe I was so stupid...I should have thought about it....he would be calling me during that time. If only I had taken my phone with me...

Thank goodness there's only a few more days of this torture. I cried my heart out for about two hours last night, and finally went to bed because I was so upset. I know, it's kinda silly, but I just need him. I need to be able to talk to him, for him to tell me it's going to be okay. Sigh...

He said he would call me tonight, so I plan on keeping my phone on me at all times. I'm not gonna screw up tonight like I did last night.

Whatever.

It's 2-something in the morning. I don't care about being clever or witty.

Today was decent, though. I got to hear from him TWICE! The first time the service sucked so we only got to "how are you" before the call was disconnected. Second time, we got to talk for a few minutes. Which was very nice. When I told him I loved him, he said "I love you more." He hasn't done that...for a very long time. That makes me happy that he said that.

So, I'm just gonna go lay in bed for a little while and play Solitaire on my ipod til I fall asleep. Which is basically what I've done all damn day. Ha. I love having a day off.