Lost.

I feel so lost when it comes to dance right now. It doesn't feel right to be dancing in partnering class, and I am not enjoying west coast swing because of my friends that are in it. It doesn't feel right not to be involved in dance with the exception of teaching, but I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. What to do, what to do...

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Mood: unsure

I'm unsure if I still like dance...don't get me wrong, I love teaching it (hate dealing with idiotic coworkers though), but I don't know if I still like doing it. I danced a little in partnering today, but I got so quickly frustrated that I stopped. I don't want to go out dancing tonight, but my friends have been hounding me, so I will. I guess. ugh. I guess we all have to do things we dont want to do, huh?

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Nada

I really enjoy my alone time. I enjoy being alone with my thoughts. laying in bed tonight thinking about that made me really miss my blog...and since I now own a fantabulous Droid, I may as well blog from it, right? so here I am. laying in bed. with nothing to say. tomorrow I'm sure I'll have much more to say, because Saturdays suck dirty hairy balls, and I'm sure I shall have plenty to bitch about tomorrow. I have plenty to bitch about now, but I am tired, my finger fucking hurts, and I just heard a crash in the kitchen. goodnight.

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Eff Ewe See Kay

Does Jon have a mood OTHER than horny/kinky??? The LAST thing I wanted to hear tonight when I answered the phone was some shit about spanking. Tonight I wanted to hear "it's okay baby, it's gonna be alright. We're gonna make it. We're gonna figure this out. Everything is going to be okay, because I love you and I will make sure everything is okay." Instead, all I heard were kinky things he wanted to do to me. And all I could do was roll my eyes because I'm SO not in the mood. When my depression goes downhill, my libido follows suit.

Talking with Caleb tonight really brought out my depression. We were talking about how being depressed is the best thing for an artist, because that's where our best work comes from. He is feeling depressed but unartistic, so I spent some time talking him through that. He feels better, but I feel worse. I feel more depressed now. That may also be due to the news I received tonight...

You know what, fuck it. I'm just gonna go ahead and be depressed. I'm used to this state of mind, and it's productive. So let's take that and run with it. Let's run so far away that no one can find us, creativity. Let's go live in a sandcastle and paint pavilions. Let's fly to the moon and invent a new flavor of cake frosting. Yeah, let's do it. Who fucking cares. No one will miss us. It's not like we'll actually be gone.

(I swear I'm not on drugs, I'm just really fucking depressed and come up with crazy shit when my head isn't working quite right.)

Tonight I wanna cry...

And commence the emo blogging once again...

There's a possibility that he may not be moving here. His dad isn't doing too well. Test results come back on Monday or Tuesday, and if it's something bad, he's not going to move here, he's going to move there to be with his family.

I can't even be mad at him for this. It's a totally legit reason. Family comes first. He needs to be there for his family.

But I want to be mad at him for this. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to smash my car into a tree. I want to hate him, loathe him, despise him, and any other appropriate synonyms. But I can't. Because he's being a good guy.

What am I going to do if he has to move there? I'm just going to assume that he is, because good things don't come to me. Why would something work out for once in my life? That would be completely unrealistic. But what am I going to do? If him being 300 miles away didn't work, him being 700 miles away (or however fucking far away it is) is certainly not going to work. We're gonna have to break up. Wait...we aren't even together. How does that work? I guess you just say goodbye forever. I can't move out there. I have too much here (I say that, yet I really have nothing). I'm uncomfortable with change. With new things. With new people. With new situations.

I think I'm gonna go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Seems appropriate at the moment.

FUCK.

Uncertainties

Once again, here I go with the doubt.

He told me he was going out tonight and getting drunk. He just called me a few minutes ago (11:23) to tell me he was going to bed? At the armory? I don't know, maybe I'm just generally non-trusting, but that doesn't add up for me. It just seems...off. I really hope he's not lying.

I also hope that he's not lying about moving here. Could I get permission to have him badly beaten up if he is lying about that?

I don't know if I'm so cool with being such a cynic. It's good to stop and think about things, but I also don't trust anybody or anything. Which makes me very difficult to deal with...

My boyfriends back, nana nana nana na na...

And he's already in trouble with me. :) I stay awake for phone sex for him, but he can't stay awake for me? Oh, fuck that. I'm not happy with him. But I am happy that I am able to text him in the morning and let him know that I'm pissed.

Glad to have him back, but that sure didn't take long.